I want to play all day!

The flute that is! I am seriously addicted to practising, it's like once I start, I do not want to stop, and I always practise until the very very last minute before I really got to leave home to teach tuition. Now I can finally understand how music students can practise 7, 8 hours a day. If I had my way, I will gladly (and easily) do that too! Nowadays, my life revolves around the flute, and my schedule basically involves arranging everything else in a way such that I maximize my time for practising. Everything I do, I do it for the music. Exercise regularly? To keep fit for the flute of course. Eat well and drink a lot of water? Well if I fall sick I cannot practise right? Crazy but true.

Even when I am out, I am forever thinking about the flute. How can I get that kind of sound? How should I adjust my embouchure? Maybe I can try this instead of that? Even when I am teaching tuition, I am only paying like 10% of my attention to the student (well that's more than enough for secondary school/junior college work), and I will divert the rest of my brain thinking about...music of course! Multi-tasking FTW!

Seriously, I guess when it comes to something I am passionate about, I am THAT obsessive. If I want to do something, I either put in 110% heart and soul, or I don't do it at all. There is a friend of mine who is even more hardcore than me. She is studying for her music masters in UK now (she graduated with a bachelor in ENGINEERING), and in addition to her normal modules, she is taking extra modules to catch up on undergrad work, spend almost all her free time practising and doing readings, while living alone and having to do all the household chores herself. I have nothing but the utmost respect for her courage, perseverance and determination, and she has been a constant source of inspiration to me for years already. But I can totally understand why she is willing to undergo all these; I will definitely do the same too. I guess this is something only musicians will understand: to us, music is everything, it is for life, and there is nothing else which matters.

Next up, I intend to start a series entitled, "On Playing The Flute". I want to collect my thoughts and observations about flute playing as they come along, and share it with everyone. I guess it can be interesting to other flautists and musicians, or just some alternative reading for everyone I suppose. So...stay tuned!

Beset by self-doubt

It seems that the more I practise, the less confidence I have in my playing. During these few months of practising, I have become acutely aware of my own playing, and I can hear SO MANY inadequacies. I cannot even achieve simple things like playing evenly from the lowest to the highest notes...ok granted, that isn't simple at all, but still, as someone hoping to turn professional one day, I feel that is like the BARE MINIMUM I have to be at this moment. It is like...so basic. I hope I can at least reach that before the audition.

I am also constantly thinking about my own playing, and I wish I can do nothing but just practise everyday. It doesn't help that I can't do that because I need go out and teach tuition, and I haven't been sleeping well at all thus I am far from being in optimum physical state to play my best. When I hear recordings of great flute-playing, how I wish I can play like that someday, and after that I will feel very discouraged and start questioning myself if I can even reach HALF of that standard. I have so many things I need to work on, and it seems like the more I practise, the worse I sound. I cannot help but doubt if I am really good enough for this.

I really need that breakthrough to keep me encouraged. This feels really scary and disheartening. All I can do is to just keep on practising.

A Musical Platter

Hi friends, I will be holding my second recital soon, and here are the details for it:

Date: 25/7/09, Saturday
Time: 8pm
Venue: Young Musicians' Society Choral Studio (On the 2nd level of the building)
Admission: Free

Performers:

1. Christine Octaviani (Piano)
2. Ian Lum (Clarinet)
3. Charmaine Tan (Voice)
4. Low Kee Cai (Flute)
5. Lee Weixun (guest player for piano duet)

Programme:

1. Sonata in B-flat, BWV1020 (J.S. Bach)
i. Allegro
ii. Adagio
iii. Allegro
2. Variations on a Theme by Rode, Op. 33. "La Ricordanza" (Czerny)
3. Jeux d'eau (Ravel)
4. Meine Liebe ist grun (Felix Schumann)
5. La Promessa (Rossini)
6. Vergebliches Ständchen (Brahms)
7. Non so più cosa son cosa faccio (Mozart)
8. Five Bagatelles, Op. 23 (Finzi)
i. Prelude
ii. Romance
v. Fughetta

-Intermission-

9. Ballade No. 4 in F minor, Op. 52 (Chopin)
10. Fantasie, Op. 79 (Fauré)
11. Wie Melodien zieht es mir (Brahms)
12. Voi, che Sapete (Mozart)
13. Love's philosophy (Quilter)
14. Five Bagatelles, Op. 23 (Finzi)
iii. Carol
iv. Forlana
15. Pas Redoublié, Op. 83 (Saint-Saëns)


There are very limited seats in the studio, so if you are interested to attend, please let me know by either leaving a message on my tag-board, msn-ing or sms me! Thanks, and hope to see you there!

"I love her, but I am not in love with her"

Pretty interesting quote eh? It's from a book I am reading now. So do you have anyone like that in your life?

Just now I was almost knocked down by a motorcycle because I was thinking about my Bach sonata while crossing the road lol.

If anyone's curious, I haven't disappeared off the face of the earth; all I am doing nowadays is teach tuition and practise flute and nothing much otherwise. Oh, and I am intending to read up on writing poems.

A couple of book and manga recommendations

I just devoured all fifteen volumes of the manga "Battle Royale", and recently started on Anthony Burgess' "A Clockwork Orange". I will keep the recommendations short:

"Battle Royale combines the horror and violence of A Clockwork Orange and Lord of The Flies' insight into human nature and depravity....a true masterpiece"

"The basis for one of the most notorious films ever made, A Clockwork Orange is both a virtuoso performance from an electrifying prose stylist and a serious exploration of the morality of free will"

If you are looking for thought-provoking reading with some extremely mature themes, then there you have it. Make sure you have the stomach for some very disturbing material and graphic violence and gore, but it's all worth it if you can see past all those and not simply judge the titles by them. They are definitely NOT for the faint-hearted.

You can find "Battle Royale" here. As for "A Clockwork Orange"...go get the book yourself! Or you can check out the movie version first if you are interested.

It's My Life

If I have a theme song, it will definitely be Jon Bon Jovi's "It's My Life". Let's hear part of the song *ahem*:

This ain't a song for the broken-hearted
No silent prayer for the faith departed
And I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd
You gonna hear my voice when I shout it out loud

It's my life
and it's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live while I'm alive

The song is totally me.

Anyway, I had my last paper as an Engineering undergraduate last Monday, and I can't say I am very thrilled about it. Yes, I am definitely VERY glad that I am finally washing my hands off Engineering, but this also brings about a whole new set of stuff for me to ponder about. Where is my future going? What am I going to do now? What options do I have? Uncertainties are abound.

I want to audition for YST next February, and in the meantime I'll need to really drill my playing and find some work for some income. Am I scared? You bet I am, in fact, I am terrified; every second I take into the future is filled with trepidation. Am I good enough for YST? Even if I am good enough, do I have the talent to survive in music? I am so painfully aware of the deficiencies in my playing, and I am so fearful that this is all I have, that I cannot never reach professional levels no matter how hard I practise. Under the unpenetratable canopy of the future, my life is flowing into a dark and unknown river; at the end I may arrive at an ocean of opportunities, or I may just crash down a waterfall.

And then there are the societal pressures. If I get into YST next year, I will graduate when I'm nearly 30, and I still wouldn't have much to my name. Societies, at least Asian ones, have this unspoken demand on guys: A man should have achieved something by the time he is around 30, and he should be about ready to start a family. I understand this, and I wish I can ignore it, but it is really very difficult. And when I think about my parents, I wonder, "Is this something a filial son should be doing?" I will not be able to support them anytime soon, and although I know they will understand and want me to do what I love, I cannot help but feel this invisible hand strangling me, suffocating me.

I feel torn and scared, but I am still going to move on. I do not want to regret not even trying, and I rather 'waste' the past four years in NUS than destroying the rest of my life doing something I hate. It's amazing ain't it, the drive and fire in a person who has found his love. It's my life, and I will decide how to lead it. I just really hope things will turn out fine eventually.

You better stand tall
When they're calling you out
Don't bend, don't break
Baby, don't back down...

Quick update

Final project deadline is on 21/4, next Tuesday. I have four papers, and my exams end on the 4/5. I need to cramp four modules of work into roughly one week plus of revision, which I'll say will be my worst semester ever.